al-fatihah.

"buku i ada kat mlake. bile kite nak amek?"

she left us right after maghrib. at 9:30pm, we recieved the phone call. an undoubted fact that marked a question inside of me as soon as the news came. i put my fork down. there wasn't much eating done after that. memories come crushing. not pretty. i remember how they say that when you are with the departed at her grave, you r witnesses to what she was like. i didn't want to be a witness. i pray her all the best. tears came as i thought of that. of the things i can say as a witness. not pretty. i began to feel confused. questioning my family's actions towards such big news. i realized that the only thing that was holding us together is no longer with us. there wasn't any reason left and i panicked. my thoughts wandered thru the times where i hated weddings. i hated how it made me feel. how alone i was in a world filled with "strangers". family. tears came again. my mind began to show me clips of how the situation wud be like at the funeral. the faces. the whispers. the lies. the questions. poor mommy. we r here for u. now & forever. insyallah. it was a cold night. there she was, in the middle of the house. looking towards her maker. faces around her are not acknowledging our presence. analyze. the air was thick with sorrow and something else. i hugged him and kissed him. the silence was appropriate. but it soon suffocated me. it was as though we were right next to a bomb. ticking away and counting the seconds to blow. i was careful with my glances. things were falling apart the next morning. i was looking at a beautiful boy and noticed she was looking too. she saw me looking at her. we had a silent flashback of a little inside joke that we had about him. but we didn't smile. i began to cry. i was losing things that i didn't want to lose. a bond that will change in due time and distance. it is not right. i am never a fan of funerals. no one really is. she was brave. i envy her. i followed. and spent the last minutes with my grandmother. i hope she forgives me. al-fatihah.