.brown.bitchy.bising.

keeping it afloat.

2012-01-28T03:38:00.001+08:00

Among other mistakes.

I just can't seem to fathom that he is in this as much as I am, as though he has made it so hard to believe (which he hasn't). I don't know why it is hard to consume. I'm just foolish and stubborn, liking to quickly assume the worst of him as if it is fun (cause I've yet to stop). I have been unfair. Regardless of the 26 years of life, I should be able to accept the truth that as much as I want to work on it, he does to. He isn't here for the ride, he's on this journey till the end.We're equals on all levels. Urgh fine I got my whacked issues but hello you got some weird stuff up yours as well hokayyyy >:P Itu buat kita equal juga.

Once I am able to fully grasp that, life would be pretty much smoother sailing with its occasional tidal waves of course!

Haihhhh, why do I keep going back to thinking I'm the only one who cares?! Sheesssh perasan. -___-"

I am sorry (again) , really gonna try even harder now.
Betul ! I kid you not ! I'll remind myself okay?
I'll read this post over and over if I have to.
Every time I forget, I'll come here.

-___________-"

don't laugh.

boredom, dumb.

2012-01-27T13:11:00.001+08:00

I do get bored easily. You can see me super passionate with my cupcakes, or my rainbow pills,
but along the way a time will come where I get tired of it and move on.
Completely.

Heh, shucks.

Oh but then there are things like my artificial tesco fried chicken, I have yet get tired of those yumptious thangs!

circle the problem.

2012-01-24T02:41:00.001+08:00

We planned to have a game of UNO, we ended exchanging problems.

I began a while back, to not look upon others' problems and weighing them upon the other. You cannot take a person's problem and compare it with another. Easier said, saying to a person in problem that there are bigger worries in the world, would not actually relieve the person of his problems. Or make it less of a problem for them. We are each unique and the problems catered to us are as well. How one might find the problem various too. So please, do not even begin to think less of another person's problem because only he knows exactly how it feels to be there. Just listen.

Going through the circle, we shared what we held upon our shoulders. Easier for some, a little harder for some. I held back a little when it was my turn. Confused on how or where to begin. I wasn't sure what was appropriate for this circle. Yes, I have fun with my youngies and connect on that level but yet have I poured my heart to any of them. Aside from the occasional bable that goes on accidentally, online. I was new to this, but I didn't want to shy away from it either. Not after how my two boys had poured their hearts out.

So, I told mine.

short story, FAIL.

2012-01-24T00:15:00.003+08:00

Under the blanket ofroaring fireworks, lay a child lulled by its chaotic thunder. Sleeping noisilymaking sounds of an elephant that disturbs others’ peace. Then he woke up in a shock, stumbled to thefloor upon hearing a chirp from the pantry. Questionably, this awoken the boyfrom the deep slumber he was in.

Onemight suggest he has the hearing liken to those of cats, their ability to heartiny mice footsteps from feet away, or so it says on Animal Planet. He got thisspecial ability for a few months now, after he was hit by a bus trying to crossthe road after a long day at school. His parents had forgotten to fetch himthat tragic day. That day onwards, he never missed a single sound.

Inthe dark, he brought himself to his feet. The chirp grew louder as he tip-toednear the pantry, careful with his footsteps. Again, he tripped kissing thefloor as he accidently kicked the corner of the stool with his toe. This was his Achilles’ ankle,unfortunately. He had a forte in being clumsy which fortunately got him hit bythe bus back then, and gifted him with this hearing. Biting on his lower lipfrom the agony of the fall, he crept closer to the chirping noise.

Heslowed his movements when the chirp stopped. The sound faded behind theunpacked boxes. Suddenly, it just stopped. The boy waited for almost a fullminute but no chirp within earshot. He decided to reach for the switch, andthere was light in the room. Not much can be seen from the mountain of boxes inthere. Recalling from where the chirp came, he moved some boxes to the left.

Ayellow cased, Blackberry hid in the corner. Silly gadgets with silly noises, hethought. The blinking LED light intrigued him. He took it. There was a smallblue bird on the screen, a notification of some sort. The boy clicked on theother bird-like icon there, exploring what it might behold. A river of tweets!

Therehe found wonders within a language he could not comprehend. Symbols, andletters arranged in a manner foreign to his innocent eyes. He could notdecipher the abbreviations and acronyms, only simple short words like thearticle ‘a’ and pronouns. This boy had never seen such language, avoiding mostvowels in each spelling, almost impossible to pronounce.

Honk! He squint hislittle eyes to the bright morning sun. Birds were chirping aimlessly near hiswindow. His mother called him to breakfast. Fuzzy from what he had justwitnessed, he walked into the kitchen. Mother was in a lovely polka-dot dressand hair like Lucy, from ‘I Love Lucy’. The boy realized that it had all been adream and what he had not realize was that the ability he acquired from the tragedywas not the hearing, but the ability to glimpse into the future through hisdreams, a gift that would do him good in foreseeing future clumsy tragicdownfalls.

A FAILED ATTEMPT AT SYAHIR'S CHILDREN SHORT STORY HAHA!

long distance.

2012-01-19T19:22:00.003+08:00

Some have it harder.

Mahathir's hawt ;D
and she so cute and purrdy too!

coffee mustard rawr.

2012-01-18T20:30:00.000+08:00

to not stay silent, again.

2012-01-18T12:07:00.000+08:00

If I have learnt anything from all this, it is that communication is key.
And communication takes huge balls, guts and trust.
Confrontations won't survive without them.

It may be vile to say the relationship needed this, that whole long 6 months of ugly, but really I am hopeful that we've come out of this stronger. If it had survived that long break of regrets, anger and hate, it can survive even further of the future. And I am not about to jinx that with wishful thinking. I am going to move on and be grateful for this chance.

This morning greeted me with sun and smiles, even the aches were gone. I guess it is true, body aches can be psychological. My shoulders feel free today. Alhamdulillah.

Note to self : every time something seem off, please straight away ask. thank you ;)

DIY Tissue Paper Wall Heart

2012-01-18T11:18:00.000+08:00

Valentine's Inspiration: DIY Tissue Paper Wall Heart

wall of memoirs.

2012-01-17T12:44:00.000+08:00

The photos stuck on the wall, each with a memory.

Left: us in 2005,
Right: us on the last days of 2011.

ahboi, from tax dept.

2012-01-13T10:24:00.001+08:00

can this come home to me daily?

this boy is no longer a toy, time for a spree at toys'r'us ;)

color vomit.

2012-01-12T21:07:00.002+08:00

i'll miss all these clutter when i return to that coffin in bangi, hurrrrggh.

caught with porn.

2012-01-12T10:47:00.001+08:00

I would not mind finding my children drooling and gasping over this sorta porn.

http://bookshelfporn.com

bookgasm yo!

hot coffee mornings.

2012-01-12T09:30:00.001+08:00

Goodmorning.

Like him, my body alarm wakes me up at 8 in the mornings. The slight difference is that I just peeked through and he is in traffic. Then I check my phone for morning messages or anything. A habit I can't seem to stop even when I can barely open my eyes at 3:46am. I foresee a lot of posts such like this. In hopes that this would kick-start my actual work. After last night, there was an urgency to start enjoying the time I have with work. Safynaz Kazem is my boss and she makes it easy for me. No strict working hours, no working attire, breaks at anytime I want. And still I find myself wandering within my thoughts. Imagining the future, leaving the present as though it is not what that connects me to those imaginations or plans of the future. I still get paid anyways, every 3 months lump-sum. I need to start today before these days get taken from me. Sigh, I sleep with mice now. The girls, Najeli and Soshy. The boy, Knight. He seemed to have covered his little hut with wood shavings. The room's a little cold for that fur ball.

Okay, coffee's finished.

kipas.

2012-01-11T19:33:00.000+08:00

I nearly blogged about the fan but stopped myself from the nonsense.
The blog has enough crap so far.
I'm clearly borrrrrrrrrrrred!
Ahboi's working his sugarbuns off on 3rd day of work!
Came home past 10 last night, fuhhhh poor baby.
You go boy ! Woot wooooooot !

Oh well! off to fry some artificial frozen favorite hot&spicy chicken for dinner over "Friends with Benefits" !

I'm almost like the lazy housewife, only 400 kilometers apart
and I don't get to open the door when he comes home.
Damnit, I need to get my act together for my work!
Research research research, urgh bosan -______________-"
Oh by the way, this post isn't as nearly above the supposedly lame kipas post either.
Sheeesssssh.

I love how you tease me darling ;*

can poop? can text.

2012-01-10T19:55:00.000+08:00

I am a big anti-men-who-can't-find-the-time-to-reply-at-least-a-single-text. I believe that if you can make time to poop and eat, there's surely time to text.

So here's a big thank you for not being one of them ;)

Today, I occupied myself with things to do, 'fcourse! Gotta do what I can while every one else is getting a life!

Hung around virtually the whole morning.

Watched some videos.

Called some important people.

Enjoyed a really feel good movie "Lullaby for Pi", awesome!

Washed the car in the rain.

Re-wood the mice's huts with lemon wood shavings.

Cleaned the loo.

And here I am, writing.

Oh, and things here are looking better. Everyone is no longer on edge. Calmer too.

Alhamdulilah.

strangers within.

2012-01-09T11:08:00.000+08:00

You're caught between love and hate. Right and wrong.
There's no absolutes here.

And there I was, approximately a week ago, in fear of change. Today's change is bigger than the prior worry. The prior required faith and effort. This leaves my jaws hanged open.

I was in the shower earlier and all I could do was close my eyes, imagining the communal that I had gotten used to for the past several months. That seemed more familiar. Last night's hot shower stung, rather than soothe like it's suppose to. I sigh deeply to relieve the rushed heart rate. Music seemed noisy. I hold back, as fiercely as I could. I don't want to be too engross with the matter. No point for cries now, it wouldn't help. Nothing would. Not with this wound. But last night, the few minutes of comfort I got just broke me. The few seconds before I had to let go of that comfort and go back to where I was just left me in desperate tears. The long to be heavily distracted creeps in. I chant under my breath, "running doesn't solve" like he would say, and on that note I keep my composure.

We'll get through this.

I will.

I'd ask for time to go back to months before, but there's no use.

Damage was made even long before. It was just waiting to be blown.

Now everything has changed. So many changes, how will I cope?

Life is not without changes. I want this to go away, I want it to cool off. But I too want people to desperately learn from this. To be punished and never return to the mistakes again. I cannot have both. See the dilemma?

Many are not filled in with the news but it's for the best. No point in ruining reputations, I guess. Things might take an ugly turn if everyone was told. No one even knows where we'd go from here. I anticipate further changes ahead. I only fear the sacrifices. To suddenly have my choices made for me due to circumstances. My freedom ripped from me even when I have the means to stand alone.

How do I stop from succumbing to sacrifices?

Clueless.

p/s: don't ask.

ikea round 2.

2012-01-07T11:22:00.001+08:00

it's january!

2012-01-05T15:51:00.002+08:00

oh how i wish it was coming true oohhh.

we fucked up.

2012-01-03T21:22:00.001+08:00

How could you?
Could you not have spared us with a chance?
Rather than taking it into your own hands like the relationship only worked one way.
I was in it too. I had loved you too. And you broke that. You broke me. My heart.
And every thing we had build within those years. How dare you say thank you?
Leaving me no chance for a goodbye, nor a say in any decision.
How dare you say that I should still know that you love me? How dare you?
Like it is nothing, like we meant nothing. Like it will all be dandy and okay without you. Without us.
I know you're in pain. I was fucking there through it. And no, I have no personal experience.
I may not be able to relate. But I fucking loved you. I fucking cared. I fucking felt your pain.
I fucking cried when you did. I was your fucking friend. Fuck, I really loved you. I did so much.
And you couldn't even give me a chance. I know I shouldn't make this about me.
I should respect your decision. I should want what's best for you. I should let you be happy.
But I fucking can't. I fucking think it was wrong for you to let go what we had.
The love we found. We built.

I am truly sorry for being the way I am.
For not being able to understand.
For being single that I couldn't relate.
For being insensitive towards you.
For being mean.

I pray that you are happy with your choice,
I'd like to say I'd always be here for you to come back to,
but like you said, we're too awkward now.
Nothing will ever be the same again.

things to get done.

2012-01-03T08:55:00.002+08:00

It is my last week here before I have to checkout for the semester break. Yes we have to checkout and then check back in, in probably the same room. Why? Pfffftttt beats me.

So now, I'm waiting for Encik J to come check my room just in case I wrecked anything (if there is anything left to wreck -____-") before I can say sayonara. the notice mentioned 8:30AM. Yerppp and it's 5 to 9:00AM and no Mr J in sight. SIGH, gotta wait for that fella before I can go full speed on my to-do list!

Oh wait! I think he's in the opposite room.

secondary.

2012-01-02T16:21:00.001+08:00

I've always put my studies secondary, or rather the background of my day to day. No sacrifices have been made in the on-goings of my work. I live on feeling fun. I make no exceptions even when the deadline is next morning, I can still be heavily partying the night before. Every decision I make about study must come with it's hidden agenda, what I get in return for putting myself on this journey. I scrape through everything till studying becomes the very last reason to why I am here. Just ask me why I am here through students' passionate eyes, I honestly can tell you. I just don't have my eyes seeing it the same way. I want to have fun all the time. My crave for 'instant gratification', he says. Fortunately, I have always pulled through and sometimes even shoot high. And I pull bunnies out of the hats for this sometimes and shamefully seek reward for my supposed hard work. This I know may not be the case every time, nor will it be certain that it will be that for this future. Life isn't always on your side especially when you take the events of it for granted. I always have faith that I could do it, the built up of confidence from all those good years I have had playfully sailing through. Ya Allah, I am grateful. With my forehead on the floor, thankful.

I do not want to only realize when I have fallen.

iceroom sushi tutti date ;)

2012-01-02T00:58:00.000+08:00

long overdue !

the city.

2012-01-01T13:38:00.000+08:00

The ocean of people at that hour, gasp! I was in awe, and shockingly, I was attracted to the chaos. Almost instantly in love. Thinking that it was our very own NYC right here. And I had access to it. There were probably about 12 inches of distance from one human to the other. I can only imagine the sounds produced by all those distractions and attractions. Honk, beep, talk, music, tapping of the feet from those street performers, laughter from all sorts of culture, clap and bang. Everyone's breathing down the others' necks like it wasn't a humid country at all. Swarming the streets at that late hour, crossing paths. And there I was in the middle of the vehicle stream, looking out at them behind that tinted window. They can't see how desperate I was to join them. It was too dark. Those bears, OH those bears, lining up, probably almost a hundred of them, among those bustling humans. Pretty with plenty colors, some sort of art and declaration! Ah, my mind went straight to all the movies and shows that revolved around big cities, like Times Square or Tokyo. It is not quite there yet, but I have faith that it will blossom as strikingly. Coming down from my apartment at midnight would not even seem crazy with those people still awake and fresh like it was 8 o'clock night time. The big brands, the outdoor shops, the honking of cars. I want to be in the middle of it all, trying to make my way.

Haih, Bukit Bintang, I think me like you.

Got called for an interview for a place right smack in the middle of that chaos,

but had to turn it down because I would be breaching the contract of my scholarship.

Booooooooooooo!

end of 2011: shake your money maker.

2011-12-31T12:45:00.002+08:00

There's so much to look forward to in 2012 !
Especially since we've both banked !
And daddy, no, we're not getting married anytime soon, LOL.
You can breathe and sleep easy now yeah ;)

Alhamdulillah !

p/s: staying up till the wee hours of the morning just to get my work done with so I can go be there with him for the life changing interview the next day at the break of dawn, was totally worth my sleepless night yo! The kid was ecstatic when he got the job and I was there to witness. Yes, I'm sappy like that. The ahboi's all grown up now, haihhhhhhhh. Alhamdulillah !!

post natal cookout.

2011-12-27T23:40:00.003+08:00

Repulsed.

2011-12-27T23:31:00.000+08:00

I've been hold back and taught to be politically correct. Diplomatic.

But all I really wanna say,

"Get a MIRROR ! "

fuhhh.

a thousand years.

2011-12-18T15:14:00.000+08:00

Heartbeats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love, when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

5 o'clock.

2011-12-13T02:03:00.000+08:00

^___________^

littlest things magnified.

2011-12-12T18:47:00.000+08:00

The walk from the communal shower back to my single box-like room, is an altered experience now. Lips curve into a smile when I re-glimpse that striped shirt boy with two boxes of assorted cheese cakes waiting in front of that brown door, while other girls pass by whispering and questioning. Boys are not allowed within those parameters. Not really but no one's shooing people off, yet.

Hearing how I was my own spoiler to the plan, forgetting this, that, this and that, made me delirious. Nothing like a complaining boy, to show how it is really the thought that counts since much did not go as planned. It wasn't a 27 inch iMac but boy was I insanely thankful for the day I had. Alhamdullilah.

Everything were aligned nicely through out that 24 hour, midnight smackdown phone call, the post-shower surprise, brunch with cheesecakes, proposal outline approved, confidence bucked up, Chuck Bass did not die, cheese pizza and a little sleepover. I'm still tingling from all the sparkles.

But most of all, the littlest thing that stuck around and made an imprint into my thick skull is the word "exception". I lost track of things and starting from when the clock struck twelve on that 9th, I recalled.

I want to never get too side-tracked and forget again, especially since I am constantly reminded if I look with eyes wide.

♥ merci !

26th.

2011-12-09T09:50:00.001+08:00

Woke up to plentiful wishes from the ones I care. Those are the ones that counts. I've rarely been surrounded by much parties but I love the gesture. People may say they are not big for birthdays but no one says no to a celebration dedicated to them. As small as it may come, as simple as a wish on your Facebook Wall, you know it gives you such pleasure to be wished among other things. Even if those that are flooding your wall with wishes are strangers who happen to notice that your birthday's up. It still matters and you smile regardless. It is one of the joy-est moments in life to see one gasp in surprise and smile the biggest heartfelt smile. Priceless. I thank yous who have shared those moments with me, even when I'm neither the one surprising or being surprised.

Swept the floor and tidy up this little box I call home. Now I'm just enjoying the bittersweet from my morning's Black Kiss. I try to recall the last December 9th but all I remember is Arif and I found out we shared the same day. What a tiny world we live in. Happy 18th young one. Gosh to be just 18 ! Enjoy those years ;)

I've left the 18th stage of life many moons ago yo! I don't exactly wish to be younger, but time could make me real happy if it moved much slower, or if the earth would just take a little longer to spin on its axis and maybe come up with a couple more hours in a day instead of 24? ^________^ a girl can only wish.

Aside from the 27 inch wish ;)

haha dream on!

Bullet proof.

2011-12-04T11:59:00.001+08:00

I'm lucky to be bullet proof. Yes the moment of its penetration might have just easily killed me, but just like any other person with super powers, you just gotta give a few minutes, a couple of hours if it's a bazooka. The moment will pass and the bullet gets out. Unfortunately, the scars are forever.

TOP bigbang.

2011-12-01T16:18:00.001+08:00

Never fail to remind me the beauty of TOP bigbang ;)

facial madness.

2011-12-01T14:11:00.001+08:00

I lose focus on everything around me when I set my eyes on you. You know how the lens work on a camera when you zoom in to capture something significant among all the other loud things around it? Everything else fades into a blur and you stand out, sharp. Like a slightly dent key to a lock, that's how hard it is to look away from staring into you. Pulling away is possible with a few hard pulls and nudges. It takes effort. Sometimes more. I get intimately lost sometimes, your face brings all the days that have passed, come back. That black but really is dark brown green frames of your glasses take me into a smile every time. There's something about the curve of your lips that make that one-dimpled smile, just sends me flushing. The single dimple comes out too when you're in deep thought and your lips are pressed together. Easily mistaken as a smile. And how your adam's apple goes up and down when you speak. You jut your lips when you're concentrating. That slightly defined lines come from the sides and towards your chin to show structure. That nose that turns red after a few rubs. How it can easily be deemed replaceable but really, no other would fit perfectly, that blends all distinct features together. The little black stubs peeking out after 2, 3 days that give your face a different look, I love. Those eyes that just disappear when you begin to smile from ear to ear. Them ears flap a little when you're excited about whatever it is you're saying. How you blink profusely if something embarrassingly funny is being exchanged between us. The straight annoyingly brushed without fail every night set of teeth which hurt my eyes come out when you curve a heartfelt smile. That hysterical laugh especially during cat humor. Well you tend to look much cat-like too when you laugh hard. Your shoulders become dance-y too in a geeky shrugging effect that sends me questioning my own sense of humor. The serious stares you give me when you're trying to figure me out or when you're coming out with difficult questions for me. Or the doe eyed stares when you're the one staring. Movements of your brows give out so much meaning from disgust to awe. They twitch, they go up, they do all sorts of movements accordingly.

I really should be working on my research methodology ;)

but here I am being completely whipped.

free falling hard.

2011-11-30T12:11:00.001+08:00

it is those instances where you are reminded that if you lose this, you'd completely die. you've given your whole and that if you lose it, you're left with nothing. you can go on, living life as required but you're dead within.

i chose to fall and give it my all.

so i'll take responsibility of whatever happens next.

i believe it's worth every bit of me.

so let's not waste this aye? ;)

library to die for.

2011-11-24T08:09:00.001+08:00

www.freshome.com

I want a place like this! Oh to be honest, I just want some people who can split the rent with me

in a decent pretty place!

boyish insights.

2011-11-24T07:33:00.001+08:00

I am up way too early! Showered and smothered in lotion even before 7! It was too warm to continue in deep slumber plus, I woke up to a view of the parking lot. -___________-" thankfully I woke up before anyone did. The rest of the girls could've spotted my sleeping habits.

My eyes are like the blowfish. Mata macam ikan buntal is what I always say. Too much prior to sleeping cries. God, I take from my mom so much in that department. My eyes are like leaky taps at every strong emotion be it good or bad. Like 2 minutes into a feel-good commercial and I can feel them filling up! Sigh, LOL.Good thing though, cause straight after, all I feel is drowsy and not an ounce of emotion, just numb and relieved ;) good no? I say.

The days of saying "cz he's a boy" are over. Now, I am just thankful to have clear insights to what goes on in this particular boy. I wouldn't say that it hurts less but let's just say that knowing the workings of that mind cum actions, makes it easier to swallow and less hours dwelling on the pain. In no way that the actions are justified but at least for now, closure helps and I never want to go back to ignorance.

He's too candid and frank that at times it's a gun to the heart

but I'll trade anything to have that every time.

mind over matter.

2011-11-22T14:38:00.001+08:00

It works !
Alhamdulilah I am finally able to cope with Bangi and its horror.
Been 4 days and things are going pretty well.

Thank you ;)

moving backwards.

2011-11-19T19:55:00.001+08:00

When the going gets too tough, I think of packing and leaving for JB. For good.
I have no classes next semester onwards and if I don't deal with this soon enough, it seems like a good option.
Because my work is going nowhere and almost down the drain. Not that I have confidence JB would make me more deligent, but at least less negativity to deal with and just the big L for lazy.

But I wonder if I'll regret that and it takes me few steps behind rather than solving anything.

But for the sake of completing my doctorate, it is something I'd strongly consider cause I can't live on like this and not do a thing about it. Even if it means going back to long-distance rship with you and you. and yous.

SIGH.

Life can be a bitch a times.

For now, I'm on day one of self-preservation.

I'm fighting woahhh!! Let's do thisssssssss ;D

be straight.

2011-11-16T09:14:00.001+08:00

To all those that I have been cranky around.
In no way am I justifying my wrong doings.

That's all I can promise.
I can't say I will never be cranky again.
I can't promise I won't have my mood swings.
I can't even tell you I'll not be snappish at times like that.
I can't even begin to apologize as you know well it will happen again.

But I care and I am sincerely sorry,

to have caused whatever it is you go through when I happen to be in such a state.

I understand the emotional dependency. I know how it is like to feel down just because the other is down. To feel aimlessly unfocused and disturbed just because the other begins to go into a dark corner. I get how it is easy to take it personally and feel that we are the cause to the other's problem, to the other's silence. Like we've done something wrong but no one is telling us what and we're just punished unknowingly. I understand how everything you do or feel can somehow affect me too in one way or the other. And I too completely know how angry it can make us feel when we begin to have no control of our emotions at times like that and frustration of not being to let go and do what we want to do or feel how we want to feel brings us to another level of angry. Angry at ourselves for letting the other control us emotionally. Angry for not being strong enough or ignorant enough to just let go and not care and not let it get to us. I know what that is like and how horrible it can be. I resent it too sometimes.

But I am aware that once anyone sign on to a relationship, it is a deal package. What you feel, I will feel and we become almost completely dependent on the other's emotional stability. There is almost no way out. We cannot claim to be together but also be completely separate human beings. There is no way that we can have that invisible strong bond to one another and at the same time completely block out or ignore the other. No way, there isn't a way to run from that. Unfortunately, that is just how humans work and relationships are.

I can promise you one thing though,

I promise that when ever it occurs again

and I put you through that state of distraught,

I promise to ease it with being straight with you

and clear your mind with what really is happening to me,

and not to leave you out of the loop.

But you have to take my word for it that I will be completely honest.

For now, that I can promise. That I can do for you.

I hope you'd extend me the same courtesy.

p/s: When I am cranky, just let me be and carry on as per normal. Ignore the fact that I am snappish and cold and rude and, just talk to me or laugh at me like you'd always do or just let me drown in that crankiness. Make fun of it if you will or tease me. I would finally need to come out for air and I'll get myself to you again because after all, all the while being cranky, I cannot help but be fully aware how ridiculous it all is. I just take a longer time to see that and snap out of it.

Bliss.

2011-11-15T13:33:00.001+08:00

I think it is more like I am not allowed to feel anything ugly like anger or pain (that was not inflicted by you) or be cranky and moody without thinking how you would react to it or feel about it,

then suddenly it is about me feeling awful about how I made you feel because you were around when I am down, rather than what I was going through. Then we go back to how drama free is easier for you and how you prefer to do things alone. Then that brings me to angry.

Words don't just come out and be erased.

They stay there long.

Yesterday it was just me cranky from being dead bored,

today is totally about you.

the ugly me.

2011-11-15T11:37:00.001+08:00

Have you ever got the feeling where you don't think people should

thoroughly see who you are and what you are like?

Just because it gets too ugly and you don't like it either.

All I want to do is run into a box and let no one see me

when things get outta control ugly.

sigh.

I don't feel anyone can stand it.

how to: friends.

2011-11-14T15:10:00.001+08:00

I was told to make friends and on the ways to do it, and what to say during small talk.

I know how, and I don't think I have a problem in that area.

Bangi is just occupied with people who aren't interested in making friends. They have their own lives to live and they don't give a rats ass about mine. Plus, none of us have anything in common. They don't have time for Grey's Anatomy with what they have to deal with from day to day. Until someone does, I shall have found myself a companion.

Or..

it's settled, I shall not have anyone there called "friend".

cha seung won ♥

2011-11-11T12:40:00.001+08:00

41 year old hot daddy model, father of 3 !

my kinda FILF ;D

pure mess.

2011-11-11T09:52:00.001+08:00

You make me realize what a psychological mess I am or can be. I have yet to fully see how majorly I feel about not wanting to portray weakness until I have been again and again pointed out how I shy away from spilling out issues and shut people out. I never saw that I am slightly damaged.

I could affect the other majorly too, and for that I am helplessly sorry. I know sorry would not change me cold turkey, and yes we might go through this again but please believe me when I say that I strongly am going to fight through it. I sincerely do not take pleasure in leaving you feeling the way you feel each time I go through an episode of running. People have let me get away with it for the past 26 years and now I am caught. I want to do it better, I will do it better.

All I ask is for you to spare me a little more time and patience,
if it isn't too much, do not give up on me. Do not stop making me try.
Please, don't.

no point.

2011-11-10T16:57:00.001+08:00

When a repetitive problem occurs and you keep running towards the same people to bounce you back,

I have found it has lost all purpose especially when you know clearly they barely am able to relate to your situation. They are not you.

So, don't tell. Cause telling only pushes you back down and no longer springs you up anymore.

unreleased cins photos.

2011-11-10T11:52:00.001+08:00

if i was an artist, he'd be my muse.

4inthemorning.

2011-11-10T10:30:00.002+08:00

"don't get too excited, u'll regret it when u get back."

not the exact words but meant the same thing. i normally take a quick check on my berry once i open my eyes in between sleeps. the email from ukm's library and the wandering thoughts from those words got to me. apparently, i forgot to return a book. sigh! i was okay while i continue checking other updates, but i suddenly ran out of air to breathe. i choked, again.

yes, i'm absolutely frustrated that all i do now is come to a panic halt. it's weak, down right embarrassing.

i didn't know who to turn to that early so i went downstairs, luckily their room was unlocked. i slipped in and lay on their sofa and begin to ball my eyes out, again. that was comforting enough. i sat there for almost an hour till i felt heavily sleepy again and got back to my bed.

i kept coming back to doubting myself, doubting if i'll ever pull through and get it done. the semester is ending too soon and i have almost nothing to show for it. and that scares the shit outta me, yet all i can do is get panicked and cry.

fuck me cry baby, seriously.

argh.

what's nice?

2011-11-07T21:04:00.002+08:00

having your good intentions and nice gestures verbally acknowledged !
makes it all beyond worthwhile.
people say it's more than words, but i say sometimes, words do much of the work ;)
rather than knowing, hearing can do much more too!

cega !!!!!!

back to square one.

2011-10-31T08:41:00.000+08:00

I had too much fun the past two weeks. Too much that as the sun begin to set, the heart begin to swell and my eyes begin to fill up in tears. Gosh, look at me, eyes all swollen after a long night of crying. I have no clue to when I would finally not go through this. I bet never. I'm so used to coming back to someone, at least a real friend which I consider my step family when I'm away from the real bloodies. UKM is as such that I come back to an empty room and immediate silence. It's hard to just stay hear. I know I'm not suppose to come up to KL and go far but he's the only closest thing to a family that I've got. The only one. How can I not travel that far that frequent for that sort of comfort?

Everything came back to how it was the first night here, last night.

I miss the noise.

i-city love.

2011-10-25T10:38:00.001+08:00

Don't stop talking.

2011-10-23T04:50:00.001+08:00

I wanted to talk to you so badly tonight. I miss you. I wanted to exchange details of what we did these past few days, and change from being funny to being serious and going naughty and back to serious then laugh about it all. I wanted to hear you go on about what ever caught your eye most the last 3 days. And hear you talk too much of it and realize it and ramble on about how I let you talk too much about you. I wanted to secretly smile like I usually do when you say that and laugh it out cause you're being too cute that I could easily eat you up. I wanted to make plans to see you soon and get slightly disappointed if things don't go my way then open up to your plans and be smiley again as the only thing that matters is that I get to be near you and exchange more talk sometimes meaningless sometimes life-changing. I needed badly to slide into a more comfortable tone tonight and just rub your words again my sore limbs. Massaging each articulated word that comes out your lips onto my already tired body after a long day. Imagine the warm moist breath on every inch of me as I listen closely to the things you say. Slowly drift away mid point, then come back when I get re-energized by your speech. But mostly tonight, I wanted to calm my nerves from the vibration of your voice and let it soothe me into deep peaceful slumber like those other nights. Eyes closed and nothing else in the world matters more than me & you at that hour. Then sleep a restful sleep, with smiles plastered on my face and heart calming down from a race.

I love our late night talk,

as much as I hate hearing you complain about it in the morning ;)

So yes, I wish it'll never stop.

two months, too long.

2011-10-22T22:18:00.000+08:00

spouses.

2011-10-21T13:10:00.002+08:00

I am stuck. I know this because weeks have passed and I can't remember what I have done with the hundreds of hours since I have been here. Last week's class reminded me of how lonely this journey is for me. I didn't know how alone I would feel, you just somehow think it is physically lonely and not anything else but I am reminded of how deep and dark it will be and I would need all the support I can get. She mentioned "spouses". And how they must be there to help you get through the days. Not all of us are lucky enough to have that constant human being living with us through this journey but I have appointed my spouse. Or shall I dare say spouses.

These are the people I am going to rely on for my sanity. There are only few that would understand the crap that comes out of my head through my mouth and these people are it. I do not think I can go further into this without clenching for dear sanity upon them. I am scared and completely terrified every waking moment and once my mind goes there, even sleep doesn't happen. I do not know what it is about this that makes it so terrifying that I fall deeper in rather than crawl out slowly.

I think that it is a mistake every minute and I want to quit every time. Something holds me back from giving up but I am not quite sure what it is. I don't want to attend classes, I don't bother to do work and for most part it is the lazy talking but I don't even blog anymore, and that is something I know I love doing especially at times of lazy. It is like my life has stopped, I stopped it.

Today, I have been going back and forth about skipping again. Playing the pros and cons only so I can get cooped up in this room with what? Surgeons? Yes. I have no reason to play truant and all I do all day is fun and no work, why do I even feel like skipping the few hours that would just blink away every week? I don't know. Not knowing and not wanting scares the shit out of me because I do not trust myself. I need that nagging push even though I know for a damn fact that I am not the type. I need the constant push. And here is where my spouses come in.

I am very sure that I am doing this because I want to, this is what I chose and decided, I remember. But you people are going to pretend to be the reasons I am doing this for. I am using the fact that I do not want to be a disappointment to yous as a reason for me to not just fall aimlessly, but to actually fall and get back up regardless. I must take this step no matter how old this phrase sounds. Sigh.

Bismillah.
Chiboi and peachy researcher, yous are my spouses.

redboxing with youngies, again.

2011-10-19T10:54:00.001+08:00

own home.

2011-10-03T21:50:00.001+08:00

The mission is to get a place of our own.
To decorate it whatever way we wish.
Years later will we settle down,
and give in to a "sharing-with-a-guy" look.

or is my expectation of your preference wrongly assumed?
well this is ONE of the looks I love, bold stand out pieces.
i got more of a more toned down metal+wood raw industrial fresh look, just no pictures. yet!

HAHA !

gosh the four a house dream ! gosh gosh.
haha not happening, just us only ;)

when can i move on?

2011-10-03T18:33:00.001+08:00

I know I shouldn't go back and clicking refresh just hoping that my name would somehow appear on that list.
I know the reality is that even if I got in, I would be scared shitless and probably not survive.
I know that I have made up my mind that comparing pros and cons, wherever I am now is where I should be.
I know all of these, I know.
It is clear.

But I just can't help feeling this sorrow within me when I see them planning and picking.
I want to be one of those who got it too.
I don't know why I'm still hung up.

SIGH.
I'm so green, I see Princess Fiona in the mirror.

single.

2011-09-29T13:25:00.004+08:00

I have never ever saw myself doing day to day routines at a university completely alone. I mean, it doesn't feel too depressing (this coming from the person who just had another freakout last night, mind you! keeping a positive outlook and fighting here!), it is a new experience. I don't hate it, I am just used to having plenty of talkative beings surrounding me and the current silent state is sort of refreshing for now.

Went to get my matrix card, alone. (yay officially UKM-ian today!)

Went to introduce myself to our library, alone.

Went to have good lunch, alone.

Really, who knew I get to actually have a peace of mind when you're not distracted?

OH and FYI, there were SHELVES AND SHELVES of CALL books there, GOSHHH !!
yayyyyy ;D consider me geek-ed !

Love like ours.

2011-09-27T20:40:00.001+08:00

The very last thing that I want is to lose whatever we built these past couple of years. I grew within those years and every single thing from the get go were important things for me. Many life decisions shared, many laugh lines developed and tears wiped. I was introduced to even more love than I was hoping for. I didn't think I would find such connection again but then I met you. We hit it off right away and the rest was history. Nothing else mattered as long as we had each other on that journey.

Well at least, that was what it was, for me.

I love you so much so that at this point, this love has made me angry.

Something went wrong, words exchanged, feelings hurt, just something.

I keep telling myself that I am just imagining things that this distance is not really happening to us.

I would sound harsh and ignorant if I point out honestly that I have no clue to what I did wrong but the truth is I really do not know where to begin. It happened so fast that the hard reality really gave me a quick hard blow to the face. And the stomach feels the pain too. An indescribable pain, a pain caused by having something ripped from you. Like something was taken away from me and all I really want is to at least have a chance for goodbye. That last memory of knowing that I will be losing you next. Oh gosh, I might just be ahead of myself but how can I deny the cold reality of how things are nowadays. We're hot and cold now.

I wish you'd come by and slap me, telling me how stupid of me for even thinking it was possible for our relationship to come to this. After all that we've gone through together.

I don't tell people this but I spent every single day thinking and recollecting our memories. I miss you bad. I miss you every single day. I am on this new chapter alone and all I really want is to be able to come back to the safety net that we built and feel that it is alright. Feel your support and know that no matter what, you believe I can do it. I remember your love, I remember your care and I remember how much you believe in me. I use to have you with me, I use to be able to run to you with smiles and in tears. I truthfully do not know what changed.

I'd do anything to put this behind us and just get back to where we were. Please forgive me. I need you. And I don't think I'll ever be able to live without coming back to what we had.I love you so much that it hurts me so bad to watch us disappear like this. Please come back.Please. I need to know that you are still there, that the love I felt so strong from you is still there.

I promise that nothing has changed, and it can still be the same. We just have to start somewhere.

the art of speech.

2011-09-25T19:37:00.003+08:00

i have been told that i sit behind this wall for protection. i don't speak of what i feel in order to not get hurt. that is what i do for damage control. that is what i do when i do not want things to go overboard and overwhelm me. that is what i do to not let my emotions take the best of me.

i do not talk about it. that's my ammo.

i believe that when i do not talk about it, my emotions do not rule me and i let it sit in the corner and be punished for creeping up on me when it wasn't suppose to. and what i am going through now, would not have happened. or so i think.

so i stay quiet, gulping it in, for my sake. and everyone else's.

some people believe in the power of talk. i get that, i've tried it and i get that. i think i know myself better but i have learnt that an outside opinion should also be taken into consideration. i might not know my self all that well after all, so i begin to try talking. i know for a fact that it is not overrated and it does help but it never not come with its consequences.

talking makes things too real for me. when you talk, you bring things to the table and no matter how hard you try, there is no way you can take it back. ever.

i get how talking helps but i wish you'd get how it doesn't help. or at least how it backfires in my case. i wish you'd see how it makes me feel every time i do say what i am feeling and feel completely ridiculed afterwards. how i feel when i am there left feeling as if i have just made an exaggeration of the situation. how silly for me to be affected by it all in the first place. how stupid for me to let it get to me. i don't even have to begin mentioning the after effects of having the issue raised.

i know my listener feels the exact same way at times and these are all the reasons to why i choose to stay silent in the first place. i apologize for my body do not know how to pretend or act better when it is trying to digest and throw out the emotions that are not suppose to be entertained. this why i find people opting for me to talk it out, for me to make peace with it. because they see how terrible it has gotten to me physically. and what else is there to do or how else can they help if i do not say what is bothering me. sigh.

i do not know how to talk and not get attacked by what i have just shared. i wish there was a way. i wish there was a way to open a can of worms and not worry about dealing with the worms. i don't know what i am saying anymore. i just wish i can talk about what i feel, no matter how trivial it may be and not feel belittled by it. or judged.

so this weekend, was the consequences to my talking. suddenly, it all came crashing and every little emotion were over-sized. i began seeing myself as this weak vulnerable person that gets emotional about every other little thing. i saw that everything i mentioned became an issue to be solved even when all i originally wanted is to say something rather than be silent. i began to be angry at myself, on top of already being slightly pissed and depressed about the convocation shebang. i began to regret ever talking about trivial things and let this all happen to me. and eventually, it got overwhelming to a point where i was avoiding all human contact just so that i don't add any other emotion to the bundle that i already am carrying on my shoulders. it drained me, literally. i became weak physically and the rest was history.

i can't say that i never let myself feel but it feels that this body was in shock and has just crashed from an overloading of sudden emotions. like it was new to all the feelings it felt and didn't know how to make them go away even when the body and mind wants to just forget it and move on. i already hate the fact that emotions come and go without my permission, so it doesn't help to have it rubbed in that i have let mine got the better of me.

i don't regret telling you things, i just have to know how to deal with the things that come after because the last thing i want is to leave you in the dark wrecking your brains to what i am going through and sit it out in my silence. that is way horrendous than feeling stupid for talking about it with you. i am not gonna put anyone through that horrid silence again. i don't live alone in this world and whatever i decide to do when i am in trouble will affect the other person, if i choose to talk it out or if i choose to stay silent. i know that.

it is not all about you when you are in the shit pits, every one that cares about you go down there too, one way or the other. i am truly sorry for not being able to grasp this faster.

then blue, now red, later green.

2011-09-24T20:56:00.001+08:00

pre-convo snaps.

2011-09-23T17:58:00.001+08:00

Start already, sheeessssh!

2011-09-17T21:03:00.001+08:00

Each time that no reading is done towards my research, I freak out bad. And I mean BAD. I need to get it together quick because this is not the time to waste weeks on Grey's Anatomy and trivial matters like boredom and homesickness. I have got to pull my act together. I am four hours away from home if I drive real fast, I am approximately 3 hours away. My friends are at most an hour away, and the love of my life is 15 minutes away. SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY? seriously? What more do I need handed to me before I get started?

My room is more than anyone could hope for in a hostel. I got a car to take me away from this hole whenever I want. I have everything anyone could possible need at times like these. So shut up and start working!

I can be mighty ungrateful at times. Not proud and am going to do something about it.
Okay Monday, I'll see you soon.

workstation.

2011-09-17T20:57:00.002+08:00

I no longer have a reason to not get started on my research, no reason at all.

short visit.

2011-09-17T11:57:00.002+08:00

ice crave.

2011-09-15T17:16:00.000+08:00

Pullman Putrajaya.

2011-09-14T19:39:00.003+08:00

Lotus Wing.
Bringing everyone up to cure the homesickness ;)

blame me.

2011-09-14T03:44:00.000+08:00

I don't want to constantly feel that I am the reason to all the self-beatings. To all that is wrong, I don't want to feel blamed. It is not my imagination or me being self-absorbed but I know I bring out some of those. I am unofficially the cause.

And that sucks big time. It eats at me like you can't imagine. Being the reason to someone's failure, to someone's flaws, to someone's wrongdoings.

It sucks because being how I am, I only want the best for the other. For the lack of a better word, this is how I accommodate. I may be poor in the asian hospitality but I know I try my best to accommodate the others' in being who they are. I only want the best even if it means depriving myself of what I want because ultimately, part of what I want is giving you what you want and need. It satisfies me most knowing I succeeded in giving in and making the other comfortable and happy.

I do beat myself up for this, sometimes. Especially when I don't get things my way or I am being denied of the things I want just because I am accommodating the others' selfish needs and ways. Of course I will question myself for letting another be put above my own selfish needs but as much as I have tried, I fail to be anything other. And I believe that if I change this, I change how I am, the change will not be easily swallowed. And I won't feel as satisfied as I am whenever I get the chance to accommodate people. Tending to other people satisfies me more than when I tend to myself. Stupid but so true that in a way, I am actually doing it for me. So I am sorta selfish. No?

What I do and how we are involved changes things. Changes who we are, for better or worse. And having change is scary, I know. Sometimes the changes are not what we expect, sometimes the changes make us think twice of ourselves but we don't know for sure if it is a good thing (or bad) that we feel or react the way we do whenever things happen through this change. This I am uncertain of. What I know for sure is that more changes will happen if how things are already are thought differently, felt differently, done differently. That change might be scarier. It might relieve us from whatever that bothers us now but it might do other things that we least expect to whatever we have going on.

I don't want to feel like the reason anymore.
I know you don't blame me, but it's the feeling I get every time.

today i start.

2011-09-12T13:20:00.000+08:00

It's a monday and today it all begins.
I've got my internet connection fixed, laundry done and lunch bought. I feel good.
I miss the familiar faces a lot a lot but today I am okay.

Decided on the classes I'll be attending and made an appointment with my new supervisor. I'm excited to get things started. The block has been filled in slightly and noise is such a comfort. Soon enough, I wouldn't need to sleep with having Grey's Anatomy playing to kill the silence. Late night and early morning toilet visits do not bother me. Things seem alright and my heart is calm.

Today's plan: Get more laundry done at the Dobi pula (by the way, it costs RM3 for a wash at my hostel. mahal okay.) and read some research articles. Dinner? Will decide later. I'm slightly on a vege crave after much junk the last week. Time to get back to the usual food intake and get started on a new routine.

Classes are on Thursdays only

Research Methodology in English Language Studies 9am - 12noon (AP Dr Pramela)

Academic Writing in English Language Studies 2pm - 4pm (Dr Kemboja Ismail)

food last week.

2011-09-11T08:52:00.002+08:00

emotional wreck.

2011-09-11T08:41:00.001+08:00

With all excitement of getting out and growing up, I forget the ache that comes along with stepping out of that bubble.

I'm trying to express my gratitude to all that have tried making it a smoother process but I am at lost of words as there really isn't enough words that could show how much I am so so so thankful. I wouldn't have made it through last week without all of you that was patient enough to fill the hole that appeared as soon as I stepped into UKM.

Alhamdulillah.

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.

the new pad.

2011-09-08T23:38:00.002+08:00

i can't thank you enough, the people that had spruce this place up to near perfection.
the only thing missing from making it perfect is to have all of them within earshot, sigh.

Leaving home, again.

2011-09-03T12:50:00.000+08:00

Sigh,
When will it ever be easy? I'd say never.

Not in a million years and not till I have settled down and call another place as my own, with my own little precious family. Till that day comes, I will suffer every goodbye I bid to this home.

I wonder if it is the family around me that makes it hard? is it the comfort of my own room that holds me back? or the knowledge of having instant relieve a shout away? Sigh, here I go again leaving my little safety bubble.

Yes I was ecstatic about leaving, about venturing into the new world but that never helps me get through this. Nothing ever helps me get through this. I actually have plenty to look forward to. A list of things to be happy about as soon as I leave, but no. I feel nauseated regardless. Haha.

Nausea kicked in hard yesterday morning till noon. Went away after having the rest of the day with new adventures of raya-visiting with ah boi. Gosh yesterday was exactly what I needed to take my mind off of things bangi. Today just started and so far I'm pretty much still under the influence of yesterhappyness to have bangi affect me. Packing is being delayed by going online. It is not that I don't want to pack, it is just because I know what to pack and so I feel I have much time to do it later later later. Sigh, major procrastinator. Ring the alarm! This habit is one of the things I have to NOT pack with me when I leave.

Okay, gonna start sorting out things I wanna take with me now.
Selamat Hari Raya ;)

our 2nd eid ;)

2011-08-30T21:43:00.000+08:00

we're recycling this year and

neither of us knew what the other planned to wear.

we both ended with green ;D

this 1st raya was awesome !!

haircuts, distractions & iftar.

2011-08-28T01:04:00.000+08:00

can i ?

2011-08-27T00:32:00.001+08:00

remember the doubts i had about being capable of doing all this come september?
well HERE's the cure, haha THANK YOU.
gosh i wish i was really thanking someone for handing me this piece of heaven!

---_________---"@#$%
A GIRL CAN DREAM.

My youngest.

2011-08-25T10:35:00.000+08:00

Maybe it is because I saw how it all began, the fear, the concerns, the not wanting to be there and most of all the sadness of leaving home and family.

It is true that both Izni and I had gone through similar situations but neither of us showed how we struggled to adapt to our alien surroundings. I remember holding back tears while in line, queuing for iftar in the dining hall. Food pale and grey, the first break-fast without having the other 5 around me at a table. Gosh. But things kicked in soon enough, and I made family in that new place.

Now, seeing Syahir with friends, actually having a good time and having less trouble of coping with home-sickness, I can't help but feel utterly proud. Of course I didn't doubt that he would fit in, in due time, but it was just the sympathy of seeing what he had to go through at the beginning of things that was torturous. The big hole that he had to cover up when he left his home and loved ones. All vulnerability exposed.

I can't deny the fact that I LOVE LOVE LOVE that he is there in Lendu, doing exactly the things I did in 2003, and a little more. It just feels awesome to have that connection of similarity. Oh and I love that I introduced him to google.docs ;) cuma now, we have weekly questionnaires to fill even if not relate-able.

LMAO -_______________-"#

nerves!

2011-08-23T19:05:00.000+08:00

Been doing some research on my area of interest and there's a big fat smelly chance that it ain't a unique title, someone may have done it first. ARGHHHHHHH, got plenty to read to confirm this. Meanwhile, my naps and sleeps are not as they use to be.

Too much going on up there!

like the lights on my t-shirt.

2011-08-23T03:48:00.003+08:00

i wonder when you talk about wanting to see them eyes widen at a happy occurrence,
i see yours and i completely understand why.

always more and never less.

http://brownbitchybising.blogspot.com/2010/06/first-date.html

overwhelmed, just a tad, for now.

2011-08-22T22:16:00.000+08:00

Okay so what if I have just two weeks left before moving out from the purple four walls and into some dull painted cramped room that I probably have to share with a complete stranger and walk a couple of meters along a dim lit corridor when I really have to pee in the middle of the night? Yeah, SO WHAT?!

what the fuck -______-"

I'm panicking!

One, as soon as the offer letter sank in, my mind just went all over the place with doubts and uncertainty to whether I am prepared to take on this 3 year journey of pure discipline and commitment to a full blown research.

Two, the new living quarters. I was calm with the idea of staying in the hostel for a bit before venturing out and having my own place when things are settled and I actually have money to spend on rent. BUT! This worry is putting me through cold sweat and invisible tears. I called them up today and found out that it is impossible for any local student to get a single room as they are mostly reserved for international students. SERIOUSLY? We local pay with the same money, I don't see the problem. I too face issues with our hot climate. I deserve an air-conditioned room as much as the other! Sheeeesh. And for god's sakes, what if I were a late 30's PhD student? You expect me to bunk beds too? I am 26 and the idea of squatting with a complete stranger is totally uncomfortable. I don't want to live in a dorm room, not now, not when the last time was in 200-freaking-3.

Okay okay, I know I sound like a totally ungrateful spoilt brat, but bare with me, I'm just panicking. Little oxygen to the brain kinda thing? Urgh, things should go smoothly as I calm myself down. The clock is ticking a little too loud and my breathing is racing against it.

I just need to prepare and take a step back. This is what I have been dying waiting for, so let's do this!
OH FYI BTW, while googling on hostels in UKM, i read through a few articles on deaths there.

Yuh, that totally helped, THANKS.

early 24th ♥

2011-08-20T05:45:00.006+08:00

arrived at 3 o'clock
in the wee hours of morning !

overjoyed,

sleep tight ^________^

i love you kid.

p/s: still 4hrs apart
& kilometers away ;)

from JB -------------------------> to PJ
thank you to people that made this possible.
alhamdulillah.

take me by the tongue.

2011-08-19T21:34:00.000+08:00

Take me by the tongue
And I'll know you
Kiss me till you're drunk
And I'll show you
All the moves like Jagger

UKM arrived.

2011-08-18T09:12:00.000+08:00

Alhamdulilah, finally it is in my hands. Finally something is certain about the unforeseeable future. You can only imagine how stoked I was about finally receiving the letter. Ecstatic to be reading through each paper. Informing everyone I knew. Screaming at the top of my lungs. Wanting to celebrate instantly.

Then it hit me, it took me awhile to inform you. I had to think before acting. Unnatural.
I came to tears immediately. And still am whenever I remember.
For whatever mistake I had made, I am truly sorry.
Truly, wholeheartedly.
I miss you, us.

iftar party !

2011-08-15T11:32:00.001+08:00

and the next morning, a mini sahur party with the girls that stayed over ;)

spot the fake?

2011-08-15T11:22:00.000+08:00

Technology might bug you but think about it, what we have for now really depends much on it so how is it possible to strongly dislike it? Haha. It even got us started.

I'm really all for technology, with or without us.

sneaky dessert-ing.

2011-08-12T20:31:00.000+08:00

i'm gonna start making desserts during the wee hours of the morning,

before mommy starts giving out organizational instructions.

ssshhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

lucky kids ;)

2011-08-12T12:07:00.000+08:00

sigh ^_______^
i think i miss you.

tentative menu!

2011-08-12T09:48:00.003+08:00

starters

soft juicy dates

sardin stringy onion puffs

main dishes

red sauce spicy spaghetti

nasi ayam buncis carrots

manisan

cherry bombs
choc cream pie

vanilla cupcakes with rainbow cream

anything else?

hurmmmmmmmmmm

*shrugs*

we'll see ;)

next to you.

2011-08-10T10:21:00.000+08:00

You had my child,
You would make my life complete.
Just to have your eyes on little me,
That'd be mine forever.

no syahir this saturday.

2011-08-10T10:09:00.000+08:00

i just found out one of my boys won't be coming back this weekend and especially won't be here for the small iftar makan that i'm having this saturday.

gosh, what a real bummer! :(

thinking of home-made pizza, will i ever get daddy to buy mozzarella?
26 and asking if daddy dearest is allowing the purchase of cheese.
oh goody i feel all grown up!
-___________-

coffee stained love.

2011-08-09T17:46:00.000+08:00

i am so in love that it's embarrassing. i go all gushy inside when you tell me you'd always have time to tuck me in even when you're out and about at night. like seriously all gushy just from that? yuh serious. told you i can be embarrassing. and the five senses thing, oh my god how corny can i be? but i am. i am fully aware that i am. every inch of me is in love with you and the five senses explains it well to how i can crave to hear your voice in the wee hours of night or morning. crave for the touch of your soft kisses that you put everywhere on me when we're together. crave for that almost invisible scent of yours. crave to just stare hard at your face till it turns funny. you're just addictive, too addictive that it hurts sometimes. it is one thing to not want to be weak, but it's a whole other thing realizing and admitting that you are my weakness. i had concerns about it, but after seeing that the affects are not as horrible as i assumed succumbing to love would make me, i allowed it. keeping you happy becomes an hourly mission at times. it really pays off to fully love you. to not hide behind any wall and just let go, and love. aahhh love, i know i love you. i love you hard, baby. and fear not as there's no turning back and running away. not for now, not for long and most likely not for ever. i used to be against this, falling free into love. but you just accommodate me well. your reply to my love is overwhelming, almost new. it never crossed my mind how much the reply of love would be a big deal, it somehow slipped. your reply makes it so worthwhile. i know that you love me, i feel in my blood streams that you do. probably not as silly as how i love you, but as much in your own weird way. and that makes it all okay. i wonder too when you question what i see in you, but as i easily get star eyed at life the same goes to you, it is really the littlest things about you i guess. all summed up in one bag full of magic.

kitchengasm.

2011-08-09T13:42:00.000+08:00

you take laundry, i take kitchen can? please.
i want a house with a huge kitchen cause that's just where the heart of the home is.

design by Barbara Hill

gilmore girls and syahir.

2011-08-09T13:18:00.000+08:00

i was watching my episodes of gilmore and i can't help but find it highly amusing when syahir laughs at the things they say to each other on telly without even glancing at it.

ahhhh to have someone relate to what you love is swell !

guest list for saturday's iftar.

2011-08-09T13:12:00.000+08:00

siti jamilah

sophie nadine

hasrul zailan

nadia izura

asliaty

dina

dania

na-dhira

mujba (sky)

na'immah

nur hidayah

thinking about the guests is making me crave for a hot cup of nescafe gold, mmmmmm ^____^ yum.

iftar cookout plans.

2011-08-08T21:47:00.000+08:00

great people, lovely desserts,

what can possibly go wrong?

argh, seronok ! ;D
i'm in charge of the menu for saturday.
now don't you just wish PJ was minutes away and not hours and kilos.
sigh, oh well.

overwhemled by life.

2011-08-06T01:07:00.006+08:00

"Miss Safynaz, be a doll and get yourself to the back room?

We're a little swamped these few days.

*SMILE*"

^__________^

Room number please?

the gilmores.

2011-08-04T23:05:00.000+08:00

cozy-ing it up with them these few days ;)

i miss you nadia!

Marquee Tents.

2011-08-03T14:13:00.000+08:00

talk is silver, silence is gold.

2011-08-03T12:51:00.004+08:00

Talking is a peep hole to your soul. Or your mind, at least. People get to know you better or more through exchanges like talk. But what we usually assume is that what you say, is who you are. And that is that. Well unfortunately, that is, more than often, not that.

At the spur of the moment talks are the culprit to these assumptions, really they can be, not all the time but I would say prolly most. This is when what comes out of your mouth is usually fired up by that rash emotions you are feeling at that particular time and we all know that emotions can be a bitch (sometimes) to our thoughts and not what or how you would truly react or feel about the situation. Yes, people say what comes out first is usually the truth but what is in the mind and how we translate it into actions are two different things. What we do about what we think is more important than the thought alone. We might easily be victims of "slip of the tongue" this way, easily. You go, whops! I should not have mentioned that. But it is all too late as whatever said is already out in the open and free to be used against you or dismissed.

And we might just easily be doing exactly this to others too as we listen to their talks. We almost can't help but assume that if ever the situation arises, that person will react exactly the same as we have witnessed previously. We just can't stop from thinking this. It is almost natural. The things that we heard, the words that have been said just haunt us till we fail to think differently of the talker. We just wait for them to react exactly the same to such situations as they have previously. That friend has been labeled by us just by what he or she had said in times of weakness. And whether you mention it to them or not, at the back of your mind, it lingers as if waiting to be matched with a current situation.

It took me a few people and a couple of years with plenty of talk, to finally realize this properly.

I have had my words used against me many times when I was younger and people close to me have assumed such things of me. In time, I began to shut up and almost never reveal to another what ever is brewing under. I don't become quiet, I just skip telling people whatever I am feeling or thinking if I find it unnecessary. I found that not everything should be raised up for discussion and that swallowing is good if you find no way out from just talking. A no point for pointing out style and a fear of confrontation. Hence the failure of my 1st relationship that had no communication whatsoever aside from him being a total douche-bag and me desperate for a taste.

But people and time have shown me how the alternative can also have potential to bring good.

I have noticed that though I regret to have mentioned it, I feel a sense of relief after what have been said. The concern becomes a no issue after that and future repeats of the situation is a no brainer. I have yet understand this but that is what it is for me sometimes. As soon as I tell you what bothers me, that thing that bothers me doesn't bother me anymore in the future. What does is the thought that I have made you think differently of me.

I can yet say I have totally mastered the art of talk within time and reason, but I am learning. Or fully understanding the need for confrontations and pointing things out, just to be labeled psycho or paranoid. Knowing which to point out and which to swallow becomes a little harder now because the line is blurred as to what constitutes as an issue and what is not. The timing is a sticky ordeal too as I have yet to be sure if I should bring it up as I feel it (which means it can lead to being a nar-watev and making it about me) or let it cool and mention later (which can just not come up ever and suddenly pops out in later future that made it seemed as if I have let it brew too long). Sigh. I still almost immediately regret what I brought up as soon as words have flown out and emotions have calmed because I know exactly how I actually feel about the things I point out after I point it out. But things have been said, assumptions have been made. A no turning back situation.

The regret comes when I realize that the person listening have not completely got or understood the extensiveness of what you pointed out or have later in future point out their assumption of your intended reactions to a current situation. It might not have been as scary as how you told it, or it might not have been as lightly as you have mentioned. The degree to what you say, sometimes only you know. I can't blame them because no one can easily and completely comprehend what the other being is going through, so I just regret. And also because I do that too and it is not easy to un-label a person. Not easy but easily made possible.

In time I have noticed that what people say can just be talk and nothing more. It takes time and a few encounters but you'll notice that people don't always completely mean what they say at those times and of course you didn't plan to have portrayed what you have felt with those words. The mind and mouth need practice in order to collaborate efficiently. Emotions on the other hand are like unmanageable kindergarten children, you try hard but you can never tame them. It is almost beyond you and you can only control what you make of them.

Back then, I used to assume that is how you'll react or feel every time it happens.

Now, I see talk can just be words and not a definition of the person. Action is, I think? Shrugs.

It may seem that there is more bad than good from talk in this post
(which I'm slightly regretting posting, LMAO. Bad habits die hard.)
what I do know is that I'm leaning towards liking talk,
though there are regrets and not everything has to be pointed out or made an issue of,
I find that letting people know and being in the know is really something.

neon marble cakes.

2011-08-02T10:18:00.000+08:00

i am the best.

2011-08-01T12:03:00.002+08:00

love love the song,

the empowering video,

the hot hot girls!

REPLAY !!!